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Post by Fang on Sept 25, 2008 17:54:29 GMT -5
Well, Kuma, is is a roleplay school. ;]
There should be a comma after "days", not a period.
That should also be a comma, right after "you".
Other than that, it's great! You really applied all the things I taught you. =) Assessment: You're doing awesome, Kuma. I don't really know what else to do... I think we will work on painting pictures with your words now. That's always good fun. ;]
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Okay, painting pictures with words is basically... well, describing something so animately that the reader knows EXACTLY what you're saying, as if they were looking at a photograph or a painting of what you're describing.
Try describing a mountain scene. Your character is standing in the snow, on a mountain, looking everywhere around him/her.
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Kuma
Wolf
Wen life hands you lemons, make lemonade. What happens when life gave you a watermelon?Mood:16
Posts: 85
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Post by Kuma on Oct 11, 2008 20:57:05 GMT -5
Sorry it took so long to post...
The sun was climbing below the mountains, the last light fading away. Kuma was standing on top of the highest mountain in the valley, taking in everything around her. The wind was blowing softly, ruffling the grass slightly. The flowers bent low, bowing to the mighty wind. A pair of red hawks were flying around in a beautiful array of swiftness, but careful and gentle at the same time. They were twisting and diving straight down, never losing their pace together. Kuma looked to her right and saw the camp below her, surrounded by big boulders, looking ready to fall any minute now. Above they looked like fragile little rocks that you could crush just by putting your paw on it, but in reality, they would never move again, because they are giant beauties. The wolves in the camp were dancing around in a happy matter. The lefty side had a wondrous display of mountains, turning purple as the last of the rays of the sun reflected off them. In the distance between the mountains was a lake that was very plentiful. The few rivers that flowed into it were fast moving and high, because the rain was traveling with the currents. A huge large mouth bass jumped out of the water of the lake, twisting beautifully in the sun before falling back in with a deep plop. Kuma heard a braying sound and turned around in distress, only to find a moose far below her. It was with it's family and looked very happy, galloping into the sunlight. The valley was so peaceful, so beautiful that Kuma almost forgot that she was a living wolf, and not a spirit wolf from Glaumora, looking at these magnificent sights everyday. Kuma almost fell asleep by the calmness of the world around her, when a a light, but cold wind struck her in the face. Looking back at the camp, the wolves were stirring about. Kuma took a great leap and landed on a ledge. As Kuma walked back down, she could almost hear a spirit wolf from Glaumora say in a sing-song like voice, "The world is peaceful here." The words circled around inside her head, buzzing like a Two-leg's tree-eater. Once she got back to camp, she looked up at the sky and repeated, "The world is peaceful here."
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Post by Fang on Oct 16, 2008 18:22:36 GMT -5
Awesome!!!! You're so good at this! =D Just a few corrections, mostly grammar.
There should be a comma after "above". Also, it makes more sense if you say, "FROM above, they..." Because, if I read it correctly, you're trying to say that they look fragile if you were looking at them from above?
This sentence is so... random. You just sort of stuck it right in the middle of your description of the mountain view, and although it's a good sentence, you should save it for when you zero in on the pack and begin describing them. Since you don't really do that, maybe just leave it out altogether.
Other than that and a few spelling mistakes I won't bother going over, the paragraph was pretty much perfect. =P You described the sight from where Kuma was standing, the sky, the weather, and the time of day, which is everything the reader needs to know to picture the scene in their head. You also had the sounds and scents down, so they were not only seeing the mountain, they were smelling and hearing it too. It was basically awesome. ;]
The only criticism I can give is that you should make your sentences flow a little more together. They're pretty good right now, but I think you can do better. =) Flowing sentences are key, in roleplaying especially. You can have the most elaborate sentences, but if they're choppy then no one wants to read them. Compare these two paragraphs: #1: Feather blinked, tearing her gaze from the horizon. The sun had just begun to rise, sending an array of pink and orange hues across the sky and brightening the whole valley. It was a beautiful sight, but Feather couldn't linger long- she had to get back to camp before the others started to worry. She must be the only one that wasn't at camp. That thought made her hurry into the trees, rushing in the direction of camp.
#2: Feather blinked. The sun had just begun to rise, sending an array of pink and orange hues across the sky and brightening the valley. She had to get back to camp before the others started to worry. She must be the only one that wasn't at camp. She hurried into the trees, rushing in the direction of camp.
Which one is nicer to read? Notice how, in the second one, I took away parts of almost every sentence. The parts I took away are the parts I like to call the "linking phrases" of the sentence. They link from one thought to another. Let's highlight the linking phrases in paragraph #1: Feather blinked, tearing her gaze from the horizon. The sun had just begun to rise, sending an array of pink and orange hues across the sky and brightening the whole valley. It was a beautiful sight, but Feather couldn't linger long- she had to get back to camp before the others started to worry. She must be the only one that wasn't at camp. That thought made her hurry into the trees, rushing in the direction of camp.
So, do you see what I mean? Without these parts linking thoughts together, it's just a jumble of sentences with no flow. They aren't leading anywhere. The sentences you write could be beautiful, vivid and descriptive, but if they don't link together they're not too much use to the paragraph. Does that make any sense...? If it doesn't, let me know. =P If you understand, then write two small paragraphs (slight emphasis on small, since you're doing two) and highlight the linking phrases. =)
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Kuma
Wolf
Wen life hands you lemons, make lemonade. What happens when life gave you a watermelon?Mood:16
Posts: 85
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Post by Kuma on Nov 22, 2008 13:40:45 GMT -5
Fang, I don't wanna learn no morez.
=(
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Post by Fang on Dec 7, 2008 13:26:02 GMT -5
Okay, that's fine!
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Kuma
Wolf
Wen life hands you lemons, make lemonade. What happens when life gave you a watermelon?Mood:16
Posts: 85
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Post by Kuma on Feb 14, 2009 15:06:35 GMT -5
Fang, I kind of want to learn more about Roleplaying School... can I umm... how to phrase this... rejoin the RP school?
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