Kuma's Learning! *Shh!*

[Kuma]

Okay! I'm ready to learn about the ancient art of Roleplaying. Fang, teach me all you know.

[Fang]

Okay Kuma! I want you to write two paragraphs of absolutely anything. It's just to start off, for me to see where you're at. =)

[Kuma]

Anything? Okay!

Dawn broke over the horizon, shining it's warm, bright fingers all over everything. Sunlight filtered through the roof of Kuma's home-made den and made Kuma grunt.

[Fang]

Longer than that. At least 3 paragraphs. Maybe I should have specified that... sorry. I need enough to get the feel of your style and things like that.

[Kuma]

Anything? Cool!
The first rays of daw was peering over the mountains. Light shined through the gaps in Kuma's den, making her growl. She opened up an eye and looked around her. No body was up yet. Kuma pushed herself up off of the ground and yawned. As she started walking she felt sharp stabs of pain in her left back leg. She hurried over to the river, which always comforted her. She looked at her leg and the lay down. She felt jaggers in her leg, pricking her muscles. She licked her leg and found porquipine quills was stuck in her leg. Stupid animals, they always come and bother me. she thought. She pulled out the quills and looked at the river. She saw salmon swimming around and pushed her muzzle into the river. She shot out her tounge, which touched the fish, and drew it back in quickly. The salmon tasted smoky. She looked around for smoke, but didn't see any. "That's wierd." she whispered. But that was enough. She pelt another presence so she quickly turned around. She saw nothing, but then quick as lightning, a fox jumped out of nowhere and bit down on her front paw. She stood up, which shaked off the fox.


"Who are you, and why did you just attack me?" barked Kuma.
The fox looked down at his paws and ran away. Kuma followed the strange fox untill she could touch it. She put a foot on his tail, stopping him in his tracks. He growled, then sighed. "I can never, ever be a tough fox." he said sadly. Kuma looked at him and asked, "Did you 'capture' me to make a point?" The fox nodded and said, "The name is Folant, yours?" "Kuma." replied the wolf. Kuma looked around and nodded polietly, and raced bakc to camp, Folant following. Kuma turned and saw the pesky creature behind her. Sighing, she kept runninng untill she was in her den. She fell back asleep, wondering if it was just a dream.

[Fang]

Okay. I'll just correct a few things. I see your style now, as well as a few mistakes you make throughout your paragraphs. I'll talk about those later. ;]

The first rays of dawn was peering over the mountains. Light shined through the gaps in Kuma's den, making her growl. She opened up an eye and looked around her. No body was up yet.

Red: It should be were, because you said there were multiple rays of dawn.

Green: It should be shone, not shined. Simple grammar makes for good impressions!

Blue: "nobody" is one word. ;]

Kuma pushed herself up off of the ground and yawned. As she started walking she felt sharp stabs of pain in her left back leg. She hurried over to the river, which always comforted her. She looked at her leg and the lay down. She felt jaggers in her leg, pricking her muscles.

Red: There should be a comma in between "walking" and "she".

Green: I don't really know what to do with this sentence, but it really doesn't flow very well... I think you should attach it to the sentence before it somehow. Maybe like, "She hurried over to the river, lay down, and glanced at her leg." Something like that...

Blue: What does "jaggers" mean?

Okay, sorry... I have to let my brother have the computer so I'll finish up after. Maybe I won't bother correcting the whole thing, and just tell you the major mistakes, and the ones you make continuously. =P

[Kuma]

Okay. I see. Thank you for taking your time to help me be a better roleplayer!

[Fang]

Okay, well, I read your paragraph a couple times, and I think you're a pretty good roleplayer. Like anyone, though, you have a few mistakes you repeat throughout your paragraphs:

1. You have a tendency to overuse the word "she". You can replace this word with a lot of things. That's one of the benefits of roleplaying in third person. ;]
a) The character's name. Instead of saying "she" did this all the time, maybe add "Kuma" into it where it'll fit as well.
b) Something that describes the character in short. For example, if I was roleplaying with Nightrun, I would say "the young black she-wolf", or maybe "the pretty she-wolf", or even just "the young wolf".

2. You always put a period after your character speaks or thinks something. Putting a period to end a thought or spoken sentence works sometimes, but not the way you use it.
Here's an example of where it would work:
Kuma paused, whispering to herself, "that's weird."
And here's an example of where it wouldn't work:
"That's wierd." she whispered.
Do you see what I'm trying t get at? Basically, if you're going to write "she said" or "she thought" after the character actually thinks/says something, then you need to put a comma after her thought. However, if you do what I did in the first example, you're finishing the sentence so you need a period there.
Another example of where a period after a thought would work is this:
"That's weird," Kuma whispered to herself. "Why does the salmon taste smoky?"
What you're doing there is continuing her thought after to tell the reader what she's doing (whispering, barking, thinking). In that case, a period in necessary.

Do you see what I'm trying to say? If you don't, ask me to explain again, because I'll admit that explaining grammar isn't my best asset. =P But if you understand, then try this:

Put a period or comma where there should be one.

"Interesting" Kuma said narrowing her eyes "that you should be so defencive if you claim you're innocent"

"Nice catch" Kuma exclaimed when she saw the huge elk trailing behind the patrol of wolves

Kuma gazed up at the mountains in awe and thought "some day I will climb to the very peaks"

"Aren't the fall leaves beautiful" Kuma commented to her friend as they padded through the forest

"Well" Kuma thought bitterly "there goes any chance of a good sleep"

And a bonus one, just because I'm tricky. ;]

"Who are you" Kuma asked staring up into the large black wolf's sharp blue eyes

[Kuma]

Okay. Well, here I go.

Put a period or comma where there should be one.

"Interesting" Kuma said narrowing her eyes "that you should be so defensive if you claim you're innocent"

"Nice catch" Kuma exclaimed when she saw the huge elk trailing behind the patrol of wolves

Kuma gazed up at the mountains in awe and thought "some day I will climb to the very peaks"

"Aren't the fall leaves beautiful" Kuma commented to her friend as they padded through the forest

"Well" Kuma thought bitterly "there goes any chance of a good sleep"

And a bonus one, just because I'm tricky. ;]

"Who are you" Kuma asked staring up into the large black wolf's sharp blue eyes

1. There should be a comma after the word interesting, and a period at the end of the sentence

2. There should be a comma after the words "nice catch"

3. There should be a comma after someday and a period at the end of the sentence

4. Comma after "Aren't the fall leaves beautiful" Period at the end of the sentence

5. Comma after "Well" and period at the end of the sentence

*Bonus*
(I'm stumped!)
Comma after "Who are you" and period at the end of the sentence.

How did I do, Fang?

[Fang]

1. You got two right, but you also missed two. It should be:
"Interesting," Kuma said, narrowing her eyes, "that you should be so defencive if you claim you're innocent."
That one was kind of tricky.

2. You got the comma- you just forgot the period at the end of the sentence. ;]

3. There should also be a comma after "thought".
Kuma gazed up at the mountains in awe and thought, "some day, I will climb to the very peaks."

4. Yup! There could also be a question mark after "beautiful", but a comma is right as well.

5. There should also be a comma after "bitterly".
"Well," Kuma thought bitterly, "there goes any chance of a good sleep."

*Bonus* There should be a question mark after "you", because Kuma was asking a question! There should also be a comma after "asked", because if you say that sentence out loud, there's a break there.

I think you've pretty much got the gist of it, but you always forget to put the second comma if she continues speaking after a break.

Next, write a paragraph with lots of dialogue. Use the rules I just taught you. =)

[Kuma]

Okay, Fang!

Kuma was laying down by the waterfall, listening to the rapid water falling down, but yet found it very soothing. The sun was setting over the mountains, lighting up the sky with it's beautiful colors. I love how the wolves up in Glaumora paint the sky for us ever night. Kuma thought. Kuma was still looking up at the sky, admiring it's beauty, when she felt warm breath on her pelt. Kuma turned around defensively, only to find Pokeola standing there "smiling" over at Kuma. "Well, hi there!" Pokeola said cheerfully, almost bouncing with happiness. "Hi, Pokeola, what are you doing out by yourself?" Kuma asked. Pokeola giggled and said, "Silly, your out by yourself too!" Kuma just had to smile at Pokeola's cute comment. Pokeola was going to lay down when Kuma said, "Stop. Come with me." Pokeola was so happy she ran away from the waterfall, her tail wagging a mile a minute. Kuma walked over, taking her time, unlike Pokeola, and finally caught up with the over-excited pup. When the two young she-wolfs were at the same pace they started to walk into the dark, dank, forest. "Now, Pokeola remember, don't run or go too quick, and don't stray far from me. Okay?" asked Kuma. Pokeola nodded and padded beside Kuma, taking everything in at the same time. They were walking for quite a while when Kuma said, "We should head back, the moon is coming up." Pokeola nodded and stay beside Kuma the whole time, as they walked back. They were in the heart of the forest, when Pokeola heard rapid twig sapping. she stopped Kuma and the listened for about five minutes. Just as they were starting to walk again, they saw a shape move in front of them. Both she-wolves gasped, because it was Tyrainal, the long lost wolf, who was supposedly stolen by humans. "T-t-Tyrainal?" Kuma stuttered. The wolf nodded, and that was when the moonlight struck his pelt, making him glow. He almost looked see through. "Now, I came to see you for a reason, and only you two. Do not tell anyone about this, but now because you have seen me, my spirit protects you. I feel danger coming your way." Tyrainal said, his voice sounding ancient. "Wait!" Pokeola barked, but Tyrainal just turned around, and his big sturdy body just disappeared. The rest of the walk back to the camp was a silent one, each wolf was thinking of Tyrainal's message. They finally got out of the forest and walked to their dens, forgetting about the hunger clawing at their bellies. Both couldn't sleep still thinking about the ancient wolf. It was about dawn when they were able to fall sleep.

[Fang]

Yes! There were a couple mistakes, but you have the basic concept! YAY KUMA!

One small problem... with all that dialogue, you didn't use any indents. (I know you can't indent on Proboards, but you can press the "enter" key and it's good enough). Did you forget, or do you not know how to use indents?
Don't worry, I'll teach ya' if you don't. =D

[Kuma]

I know about indents, but please teach me more!

[Fang]

Okay, well, when you're doing dialogue, you need to use indents when the talking switches characters. Like this:
"Nice day," Kuma commented.
"Yes," Fang agreed.

You try. Write a paragraph or so, using lots of dialogue.

[Kuma]

Gosh, Fang! So much writing!

It was a cool autumn night, the stars just setting over the horizon. The fall breeze rolling through the valley, crisp and cool. The wind ruffled Flyka's fur, making it messy. The old wolf paid it no heed, but only looked at the sun, setting through the valley. Flyka tried hard to pull his eyes away from the sun, but couldn't. After five more minutes, the sun disappeared entirely, Flyka then was able to turn his attention to something else. Sighing, he looked down at the ground, and saw the crisp, broken leaves lying on the cold dirt. Flyka then started walking toward nothing in particular, just exploring the forest. After about ten minutes of walking and admiring the gentle fall scene, he saw movement in the bushes. Finally, something decent to eat! I've been eating berries and leaves the past two days. Flyka thought, his belly growling like a dog. Flyka snuck up to the bush, quiet as a mouse. The thrashing was still very rapid, but now could hear slight squawking. Flyka took the bush in his jaws, and uprooted it very quickly, to find a fox eating a chaffinch. Flyka smiled evilly and picked up the fox and ran away with it. The fox was mortified, and tried to squirm out of the old, but agile wolf's grip. When the two finally stopped, it was at the waterfall.
"Now, I have a view when I eat you." Flyka said, smiling slightly.
"No!" the fox said. "Don't eat me! I know a very good hunting spot. A lot of squirrels and rabbits! I promise! Just don't eat me!" the little fox said, terror high in his voice. Flyka thought over what the little fox said, and replied,
"Take me there, and if you're lying, I will eat you." The little fox crouched down and raced ahead. When the fox stopped, and Flyka caught up to him, the young fox said, "The name is Folant, and here is where the good hunting spot is." After a little while, Flyka caught about three rabbits, and a squirrel. "I guess you weren't lying. Your free to go now." Flyka said, his mouth full. Folant was so happy that he raced off as fast as he could, and ran straight into his den without hesitation.

Hey, Fang after you check this, you should assess me in this, and see how good I'm doing.