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Post by Foxspirit on Dec 30, 2007 19:53:34 GMT -5
Personality: Affrika is known for her many emotions. She jumps from one to another with ease to surprise her peers. For the most part Affrika is wise, but in her own way, spunky. She is calm in any situation, but demanding in every way. The softer side of her touches those in fear, and calms the angry. She tries her best to manage her powers, but at times a more dominant part of her breaks free and she loses control of herself. Sometimes, at a greater extent, harming those whom she loves dear. Affrika can be lethal, or a wise peacemaker, depending soley on what she chooses to be.
IC: Luminescent moonlight filtered through the summer leaves, collecting in pools of light, scattered through the thin forest. A peacful stillness rested in air, like the gathering mist that dewed every leaf and fern with pristine droplets. A howl split the air, mournful, and weak. A shill seemed to seep into every corner of the woods as a she-wolf stepped out of a lit clearing littered with seemingly sleeping wolves and into the looming shadows. The small cub, less than a season old, shivered in fear and loathing for her evil curse. She stumbled among the brambles for miles, her mind reeling, and her body swaying from the lack of energy which her power had sapped out of her. As her wild eyes strayed to the bright moon once more, her body shuddered, and her stony black eyes rolled back into their sockets, before she collapsed in a heap at the mouth of a dark cave.
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Post by Fang on Dec 30, 2007 21:02:46 GMT -5
Just a couple tiny things I picked out. I'm knit-picking here, just kind of biding time until Kipcha decides to show her face around here. Where is that girl?! I'll also, again, help you with your character development. Just because that's something I can actually do. This sentence doesn't make any sense to me... So you're saying that she stepped into a moonlit clearing with a bunch of dead wolves? Maybe you should try something like this instead: "A chill seemed to seep into every corner of the woods as a she-wolf stepped out of a moonlit clearing, filled with seemingly sleeping wolves, and into the moonlit shadows." Don't bother putting they'll never wake again. If you're roleplaying, then you could leave that open for others to figure out themselves, probably from your prompting later on. A small thing you have to remember: read over your posts. They might make sense to you at the time, but others can't read your mind. Melancholy moon? Does that make sense?
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Post by Foxspirit on Dec 31, 2007 11:37:02 GMT -5
Well, as in it's blue, and alone in the sky......... meleancholy, yeah. ^^ I kinda stumbled over that spot about the seemingly sleeping wolves, 'cause I wasn't sure how to say it and get everything in one paragraph. But now that you say that, it does make sense that I should just leave the others to guess until I write more with a little more detail. I like that. It keeps them reading to see what happened. Thanks! p.s. I modified my post to your suggestions.
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Kipcha
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Post by Kipcha on Dec 31, 2007 12:48:15 GMT -5
Get rid of the first "But." Remember, as our grade-whatever teachers all taught us, a complete sentence never starts with "But" or "And." -feels like a crank- The rest of the personality is very nicely done, giving the reader a good idea of what the character is like. With the rp example given, after Fang looked at it, I just have a word replacement suggestion. "Zapped out of her" - " Sapped out of her." Alrighty then. Post here to show that you've read this, and then I'll give you your assignment.
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Post by Foxspirit on Jan 1, 2008 11:44:05 GMT -5
You know, that's funny, cause I almost used "sapped" but, I wasn't completely sure that it was a word. And I hated to use zapped, 'cause it just didn't fit the scenario correctly, but, I used it anyway. I'll change that for you.
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Post by Fang on Jan 1, 2008 13:15:28 GMT -5
Okay, Foxspirit, time for your character development! Take away the first "easily". That way you're not repeating. First of all, it's lethal. Maybe you should try something like "Affrika can be a lethal ______ or a wise peacemaker, depending on her, um... I'm not sure what choice of agency means, but yeah." =P So, what I get from your character is that she has alot of mood swings; she can be either wise and kind, or feirce and lethal. You really emphasise that, and I like that about this character discription. You seem to really know this character's personnality. According to your discription, she's also calm in heated situations, but can be demanding. Am I right, or have I missed anything?
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Kipcha
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Post by Kipcha on Jan 1, 2008 13:20:07 GMT -5
Actually, I like it the way it is.
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Post by Fang on Jan 1, 2008 13:24:57 GMT -5
Really? Alright...
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Post by Foxspirit on Jan 1, 2008 17:15:50 GMT -5
Thanks guys, for your great tips! And, I don't know where my mind was on "leathal". ^^ (I also modified Affrika's bio. ) So, what I get from your character is that she has alot of mood swings; she can be either wise and kind, or feirce and lethal. You really emphasise that, and I like that about this character discription. You seem to really know this character's personnality. According to your discription, she's also calm in heated situations, but can be demanding. Am I right, or have I missed anything? Yep. You got it.
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Post by Fang on Jan 1, 2008 18:51:42 GMT -5
Great. Yeah, you're really getting the hang of personnality discription. Now, we wait for Kipcha.... -gets a REALLY good book- I advise you to do the same, Foxspirit. =P
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Post by Foxspirit on Jan 1, 2008 19:10:51 GMT -5
*Brings out a 800 paged book* -thud- Ok, I think I'm well stocked now.
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Post by Fang on Jan 1, 2008 19:19:16 GMT -5
Might wanna get another one... just because it's Kipcha.
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Kipcha
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Post by Kipcha on Jan 2, 2008 13:24:01 GMT -5
Just because I'm tired, I'll let that one go, Fang. A mere 370 page book would do. Assignment 1:Similar to Zonera's, but longer and more difficult. (Hey, advanced is supposed to be tough. ) In no less than four paragraphs, describe an entire fictional country that you've created, along with the wildlife that lives in it, including one completely made up by you. The country should include: - A climate. (Is it bitterly cold all year around? Scorching hot? Both, even?) - A dominant species. (Is it overrun by humans? By wolves? By porcupines? Creativity is a wonderful thing). - Plant life. (Trees, shrubs, and so on if any). - A made up name. Sorry, no nameless countries. Your made up species should include: - Full exterior description. - A name. (Of the species, of course, not of each individual one). - Diet. (Plants, stones, meat, ect.) - Habitat. - Predators. (Any natural enemies and/or threats). Have fun. Take your time, we're in no hurry.
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Post by Foxspirit on Jan 2, 2008 20:31:00 GMT -5
Cool! I can do that. I like detail. It just takes a long time to write it, and I wasn't sure what kind of detail to write without getting repetitive, so giving me this will give me great guidelines. Do you want me to add that to Affrika's profile? Or do you want me to do that to all of my wolves? I'm going to have to write this down........ Thanks! This is very helpful!
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Kipcha
Wolf
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Resident Renthead.
Posts: 139
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Post by Kipcha on Jan 2, 2008 23:13:16 GMT -5
O.o No no, this is just an assignment that has nothing to do with PD, an exercise of sorts. We give you this, you complete it, we give you tips and ways to improve it, and then we work on other stuff. Check out Zonera's thread, it works like that. Sorry for the confusion. Unless I'm the one that's confused here. xD
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